SkitZ Anchors the NoDQ News Report — Saudi Turbulence, Jaded Protesters, Ric Flair’s a Hot Mess, MITB Nonsense & More
“Good evening and welcome everyone to the NoDQ Nightly News Report. I’m SkitZ.”
“And I’m Janet Grant.”
SkitZ: No relation for those of you raising an eyebrow. Just a mere coincidence.
Our top story tonight –
In a move which many consider surprisingly progressive for a company that’s grown filthy rich over the years due to their slave labor tactics, WWE taped SmackDown immediately following RAW on Monday so their employees could enjoy the long holiday weekend for a change.
Janet: It’s well deserved after such a grueling travel schedule. Everyone getting 5-6 days off after returning from the Middle East would never fly under Vince McMahon’s reign of terror.
SkitZ: No, but they’re still very gung-ho on flying into active war zones. Anything for a bloody buck. The old man’s motto lives on!
Janet: That vile, despicable excuse for a human being just keeps hiding behind lawyers to avoid going to trial and being sentenced, but believe me, karma is coming for that monster and it’s going to be sweet justice when-
SkitZ: Jesus Janet, give it a rest. Your feelings on the man are well documented. Let’s try to keep it professional.
Janet: I’m so sorry. Forgive me. That man just gets me so razzled.
SkitZ: Well that’s what happens when you mix business with pleasure. As I was saying earlier, Friday night’s broadcast being taped ahead of time is a nice dose of nostalgia for fans harkening back to the days of SmackDown spoilers, and having the luxury of reading the show results beforehand to avoid sitting through a crummy episode. I had a peak at them myself as a matter of fact and plan on skipping the entire thing!
Janet: I mean it is the Fourth of July, SkitZ. Speaking of explosive situations and angry old people, we have a wild story coming out of Tampa, Florida tonight.
SkitZ: For crying out loud, what did Hulk Hogan do now?
Janet: It’s actually not him this time. I know. Surprising, right? For more on this story, our very own Joel Wood is there on site to fill us in further.
JW: Thanks Janet. I’m standing outside The Thirsty Beaver in downtown Tampa, which was recently the scene of Ric Flair’s latest public humiliation. You may recall the wrestling legend facing heavy backlash earlier last month after accusing Jim Ross of being attention-seeking for sharing an update on his battle with skin cancer before the 16-time World Champion could announce his own diagnosis. In effect, stealing Naitch’s sympathy-driven thunder.
Now Flair is making headlines once again after being kicked out of multiple bars – such as this one behind me – for not only soiling and defecating himself repeatedly, but harassing several women in the process with his unwanted advances. We reached out to Charlotte’s publicist, but she declined to comment aside from saying the father and daughter aren’t currently on speaking terms.
SkitZ: Mmm understandably so. Thank you, Joel. Hopefully Ric can clean up his act. Or at least himself, but that might be asking too much at this stage. Even at the ripe age of 76, The Nature Boy remains the dirtiest player in the game.
Janet: Did you see Flair’s latest mugshot? His face looks like a burnt slice of pizza.
SkitZ: Good lord, Janet. The man is still a legend. Show some respect!
Switching gears now, we want to check in with our Foreign Affairs Correspondent Jack Murray who clearly craves danger as he’s still joyriding around Saudi Arabia asking questions. What can you tell us, Jack?
JM: Greetings from the Middle East, SkitZ. WWE’s crew and wrestlers made it safely back to the states thanks to a hasty exit out of Riyadh following Saturday’s show. Their visit wasn’t without concern or outrage however. And at the center of all the scrutiny has been none other than CM Punk, despite serving as somewhat of a goodwill ambassador for the company while here. Babyface status or not, the Best in the World at generating heat continues to be the talk of the industry. He’s as hyper-criticized as any wrestler in modern history.
SkitZ: You mean hypocritical?
JM: Hey, you said it. Not me.
SkitZ: Gahhh I’m just yanking your chain, Jack. Have there been any developments regarding Punk’s security detail stiff-arming children? Or WWE possibly planting a fake fan amongst a sea of skeptical desert people?
JM: Unfortunately no. Just rampant rumors about CM Punk’s chummy relationship with Triple H catapulting him into a World Title feud with Gunther. I can however confirm that a large portion of the male Saudi community were none too pleased with Punk, who apparently showed the women a little too much attention during WWE’s stay.
SkitZ: Of course he did. Typical Punk. Always the lady killer.
JM: Yeah, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that for these poor women.
SkitZ: Too morbid, Jack. Take it down a notch. How’s the excitement level for WWE’s return in January when Riyadh hosts the Royal Rumble for the first time ever?
JM: Well, technically-
SkitZ: Don’t you dare try to count Titus O’Neil’s track and feet fumble in 2018 as a proper Rumble. A battle royal held right after WrestleMania is no such thing.
JM: Okay okay, I’ll leave it be. Even with the event being 6 months away, you can already feel the buzz beginning to build as WWE continues to grow their presence here in Saudi Arabia. Hometown hero Sami Zayn is currently the odds-on favorite to win the 2026 Men’s Royal Rumble match. I’m sensing a wee bit of bias amongst these people haha. Back to you, SkitZ.
SkitZ: Thanks Jack. Just one more question before we go – why on Earth are you still in the Middle East??? I’d get the hell out of dodge while you still can!
*the video feed to Riyadh abruptly cuts out*
SkitZ: …Let’s hope we’re just experiencing some technical difficulties.
Janet: The fans in Riyadh chanting “one more match” at a man walking around with a pacemaker on his heart seemed awfully insensitive, didn’t you think? Poor Triple H.
SkitZ: I’m sure he’ll live. Maybe the Saudi’s just have a sicker sense of humor than we do?
Janet: Well I didn’t care for it one bit.
SkitZ: Noted. Next up, local columnist Psychohurricane who writes for the NoDQer has graciously dropped by to share his thoughts on the upcoming Evolution PLE. Welcome in, PH. Many are viewing the all-women’s extravaganza and the Saturday Night’s Main Event that shares a weekend with it to be a sort of battle of the sexes, with the latter being a Saudi style show if you will. How do they stack up in your opinion?
PH: Erm I’m not sure I would go that far. Both cards were thrown together due to WWE’s cluttered PLE schedule, but Evolution certainly offers more stakes and more unpredictability.
SkitZ: But tragically no Liv Morgan.
Janet: I follow a guy on Twitter who’s so disturbingly obsessed with Liv that he may in fact be her stalker. You know, the one who was waiting outside her home with a gun?
SkitZ: Didn’t they arrest and charge him already?
Janet: Oh they did?
SkitZ: For Christ’s sake, Janet. How about doing a little research first? (turns back towards hard cam) You’re spot on about SNME not measuring up, PH. Triple H lining up Gunther’s next challenger 2 weeks ahead of the show killed any shred of mystery surrounding Goldberg’s last hurrah, which is gonna be the involuntary noises his mouth makes 60 seconds into that match. And don’t even get me started on LA Knight versus Seth Rollins, because you know it’s bound to end in shenan-.
PH: (loudly clears throat)
SkitZ: My apologies. I got a little carried away there. Do you really expect Naomi to successfully cash in at Evolution?
PH: I do. It sets up Naomi versus Jade for the title at SummerSlam, which is unresolved and makes way more sense storywise than Cargill/Stratton. Naomi will likely compete in the women’s battle royal to throw off the scent of her cashing in. Tiffany-
SkitZ: Never made a very convincing babyface in my eyes. I mean any woman is the de facto fan favorite when facing Charlotte, but Flair was harsher on Tiffany’s title run than her own face. Stratton’s just been clocking in to work ever since, and this match with Trish Stratus feels like one last perk before Tiffy time runs out on her reign. Naomi will make for a far more interesting Women’s Champion, and she’s earned the right to-
PH: Why bring me on here if you’re just going to dominate the conversation?
SkitZ: Whoops, the passion just pours out of me when these topics come up! You understand, surely. Please continue.
PH: I suppose I can relate to where you’re coming from. Now as far as the Rhea/Iyo match, the crowd will go crazy for Ripley regaining the gold, but you can rest assured the IWC’s going to throw a fit over-
SkitZ: That’s all the time we have for today I’m afraid. Thanks for the insight, Psychohurricane!
PH: YOU’VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME, MOTHERF-
SkitZ: Now let’s send it over to our chief meteorologist Aaron Rift. How’s the forecast looking over the next few weeks? Are you on a tropical island somewhere? I swear this man never works.
AR: That’s actually later this month, SkitZ! You’ll have to tag along with me and the wife.
SkitZ: Uh…
AR: I come to you from gross, muggy New Jersey. MetLife Stadium to be exact. The site of this year’s two-night SummerSlam extravaganza. Our radar projections for early August are still a bit unclear, but there’s definitely a storm coming. Hurricane Jade is on track to make landfall before then, and hit East Rutherford head on. The surrounding areas will no doubt be affected, and this community is already in an uproar over it.
Janet: And what exactly are the people there complaining about, Aaron?
Aaron: It’s the unpredictable nature of Hurricane Jade that has the locals on edge, Janet. She’s a strong, massive ball of energy that some are even categorizing as a natural disaster. This storm is one for the ages, and that will no doubt fascinate the weather historians, but Jade’s rough around the edges which makes her reckless. The outcry on social media has been overwhelming, with many voicing concern over the rushed preparations made in the wake of Hurricane Jade’s arrival.
Janet: That’s a shame. I was really looking forward to attending SummerSlam to see my girl Cardi B! Might have to reconsider if the weather’s not going to comply.
Aaron: Hey don’t let me stop you, Janet! My only advice would be to proceed with caution.
SkitZ: Well said. Thanks for the update, Aaron.
Janet: Wait, was that a threat? Did he just threaten me??
SkitZ: Nope, the wordplay just went over your head. Let it go, Janet. Besides, we’re now being joined by our stockbroking expert. The Dave Meltzer of Wall Street himself – Mr. Tito. It’s good to hear from you, buddy. How’s the action on the trading floor? Is Rollins Enterprises up or down today?
Tito: The EXCELLENCE in insider trading comes to you from the crowded epicenter of the New York Stock Exchange. It’s an absolute cesspool down here full of snakes and detractors, but as you know SkitZ, that’s when I do my best work.
SkitZ: That you do. For better or worse.
Tito: As you’ll recall, I accurately estimated that the influx in Seth investors heading into WrestleMania 41 would send Rollins Enterprises soaring. And as expected, its stock reached an all-time high in the days that followed. Yours truly was on the money once again. I also correctly assumed that while a gradual decline into WWE’s slow season was a calculated inevitability, shareholders would-
SkitZ: Quit patting yourself on the back and give us the goddamn report already.
Tito: Very well then. No need to get snippy. World Wrestling Entertainment appeared to be on the verge of scoring big after the brokerage firm of Heyman, Reed & Breakker went into business with Rollins Enterprises. Rather than playing it safe in the aftermath however, WWE doubled down by investing several hundred shares of MITB stock in Rollins Enterprises on June 7th. A risky move, and one that thus far hasn’t quite paid off.
SkitZ: Yikes. So Heyman, Reed & Breakker are losing value as well?
Tito: Indeed. While the merger has seen some moderate gains on the occasional Monday or Saturday, it hasn’t been nearly as profitable as initially projected. If anything, Rollins Enterprises becoming the majority shareholder is stunting the growth of its partner company.
SkitZ: Wow, what a disappointing turn of events. That’s what greed and excess will do to you.
Janet: I mean… can’t Rollins Enterprises just unload all those MITB shares now, and cash in before the market takes an even deeper dive?
Tito: I wrote at great length about this inevitability in a recent article that you can find on the official NoDQ website, along with all of my previously published works. But to basically sum it up, I hypothesized that-
SkitZ: Great insight, Tito! Thanks buddy. We’ll check back in with you later this week.
Janet: But I wanted to hear the rest of his-
SkitZ: Seriously? You know what happens if you keep indulging him… He’ll never shut up. C’mon now, Janet. Do better.
Janet: (sigh) Fair enough. The guy is pretty pompous, isn’t he?
SkitZ: Hacking away at this for 27 years will do that to a man.
Janet: I guess so. (turns to face side camera) When we return on the NoDQ News Report – Could AEW star Britt Baker be cooking up a major announcement? Is the dentist by day/wrestler by night ready to cut her teeth in NXT?
SkitZ: You said a mouthful, Janet. And lastly tonight, we take an in-depth look into the mental health issues of former Olympian Chad Gable and his ongoing identity crisis. Is his surgery and rehabilitation a coverup for a larger conspiracy at play? Who’s really under the mask? Is El Grande Americano working with the Germans? Are they still targeting Mexicans? Find out right after these politically incorrect messages…
