IWC Scum — Chick Magnet Punk and His Laundry List of Lady Baggage

Welcome back to the column that puts the incessant whining and complaining in IWC. I’m the artist normally known as SkitZ, and this is my dirt sheet soaked canvas.

Before we dive in, a quick disclaimer: I’m not framing Phil Brooks to be some womanizing piece of shit that grooms the young women he hangs around at work. I just find humor in certain wrestling fans trying to make it weird. A guy with the reputation of CM Punk returns to WWE on his best behavior, so naturally there’s people lying in the weeds waiting to pounce as soon as a headline or rumor surfaces that supports their theory. I’ve even heard accusations as wild as him being a sexual predator who preys on young females.

It’s all very comical to me, because in the social climate that we currently live in, wouldn’t there have been reports or lawsuits filed by now that painted Punk as a perv or cheater? Maybe it’s as simple as girls gravitating towards the guy because he’s chill and makes them feel comfortable. I mean you’ve heard the stories. Jim Ross said Phil was such a lady’s man back in his first run with the company that he had jealous coworkers like Triple H calling him a skinny fatass behind the scenes. My boy Punk was drowning in booty, and Hunter handled it with a big ol’ bottle of Haterade, despite him having the luxury of crawling into bed with Stephanie McMahon every night.

Consider this merely a fun, promiscuous trip down memory lane, as well as me proposing an alternate route to CM Punk’s road to WrestleMania. If this needed a tagline, I’d title it:

Sex, Boos, Cheers & Violence — Phil Brooks’ Killer Body Count  

While the true meaning behind those infamous initials in CM Punk’s name have remained half mystery/half running joke throughout his career, I’d say ‘Chick Magnet’ hits closest to home for the Chicago native. For a guy who complains so much, he sure does score a lot of tail. It’s also worth noting that The Miz landed Maryse, so maybe there is something to this chick magnet moniker… 

Seriously though, what a star-studded lineup Punk compiled throughout his WWE career. I’d be remiss not to mention him double dipping between Daffney and Traci Brooks back in Phil’s TNA/ROH days. Tagging two different girls simultaneously who aren’t privy to their partner’s extracurriculars is a dangerous game. I’m sure it inevitably blew up in Punk’s face like the pipebomb promo he cut during the All Out media scrum. We can only hope no puppies were harmed in regards to the Daffney/Traci incident. Phil, you dirty dog you!

From there, he briefly dated Mickie James while they were both still working for TNA, with the two becoming good friends afterwards. I’ve often pondered the possibilities of Mickie joining the Straight Edge Society in 2010, rather than Serena Deeb. I mean James had already excelled at playing a psycho lesbian; a brainwashed cult follower would’ve been right up her alley. It might’ve even saved Mickie’s job from making the garbage heap. At least her contributions to WWE didn’t literally end up in a trash bag that time.  

Another alternate SkitZ scenario: what if the company booked a feud between CM Punk and Nick Aldis over Phil’s fling with the SmackDown GM’s wife? I know it seems like a weird setup, but the Twitter types live for dragging old drama into the present. I can picture it perfectly — we see a segment where Punk bumps into Mickie backstage, and they’re catching up when Aldis walks up and looks none too pleased. After James kisses him and leaves, Punk goes “yeah me and her go way back”.

Aldis: Oh, I’m well aware. She’s been happily married for a long time now. 

Punk: Wait, you’re married to Mickie? Huh. I thought she was into chicks. 

Then Phil nonchalantly shrugs and walks away while Aldis is left seething in the background, and you’re off and running with an angle that gets the Twatters tweeting. I realize Nick’s wrestling days have come and gone, but if you were ever gonna bring him out of retirement, this is the storyline to do it for dammit.

The SmackDown GM sets out to make Punk’s life a living hell, which lands Aldis on the living room couch at home, and he forces Mickie’s old boyfriend to put his job on the line against the bitter husband himself. Abusive authority figures might be a tired cliche in WWE, but keep in mind Aldis is an accomplished wrestler who’s every bit as physically imposing as his wife was in those nudie magazines. 

Oh sweet Maria. Aside from the throwback photos available via Google search, there’s not much to report here. Kanellis and Phil strike me as a bit of an odd couple, but you could make a case that Punk doesn’t have a specific type. At least not until the 2020s, when people started looking so hard into shit that they’re now envisioning him trying to clone Cora Jade and Roxanne Perez into younger versions of his wife. As far as Maria Kanellis is concerned though, my main takeaway is that Phil hooked up with a future Playboy cover girl. Yet another touchdown in the endzone for the Second City Saint.

Before doing a little research for this column, I honestly had no idea Punk dated Kelly Kelly during 2007. Damn. Well at least someone enjoyed the revival of ECW. 

Okay that was a low blow. To be fair, the so-called “C brand” became arguably WWE’s best weekly program by late ‘09. So naturally Vince nuked it shortly thereafter. 

Can you imagine Mr. McMahon in a creative meeting discussing Kelly Kelly’s debut?

Vince: Alright then, what are we gonna call her?

Corporate Stooge: Her real name is Barbara, and she has blonde hair and blue eyes and looks like a Barbie… how about Kelly?

Vince: So just Kelly? No last name? Feels like it’s missing something.

Corporate Stooge: Uhhhhhhhhh…

Vince: Ah f*ck it. Just make her last name Kelly too and let’s move on. I’m ready for my lunch. 

That’s about how much brain power went into Kelly’s origin story. Then back in 2015, she explained how her ex-fiance Sheldon Souray and Phil made a bet over whose team would win the Stanley Cup that year. The Chicago Blackhawks prevailed, and thus the former NHL player was supposed to get CM Punk’s name tattooed on him somewhere. How much you wanna bet Souray followed through with it? Hockey players have a tough guy image to uphold after all. No wonder he and Kelly Kelly eventually split, because anytime you happen to lay eyes on the tattoo in the shower or behind closed doors, your mind instantly springs to one thought – that CM Punk used to bang your girl.  

Speaking of which, Matt Hardy didn’t react so well to Phil taking a turn at Lita in 2009. Probably had something to do with his heel turn going over like a fart in church, but I’d also be a bit of a preachy asshole if my ex was being passed around amongst the boys. Hard to blame Matt for fleeing to TNA the following year and rejoining his brother. Remember when The Hardyz posted that weird video of Matt feeling compelled to tell us how Punk and Lita were no longer together? Then Jeff claimed he made CM Punk in WWE? Clearly they were both on something in those days. Phil’s track record of living rent free in the minds of people who don’t even work in the same company as him is unmatched.  

He and Amy Dumas were in an on-again, off-again relationship for the better part of 3 years, which began right around the time CM Punk was feuding with Jeff Hardy over the WWE Championship. Matt would be inserted into the program for a short period, and you already know what I’m thinking… Vince had no problem turning Matt’s troubled love life into an onscreen storyline when the Edge/Lita affair became public knowledge. I’m kind of surprised VKM didn’t repeat history with Punk. The Straight Edge scumbag and heel Lita versus Team Xtreme? Take my money, and a boatload of gratuity to boot. Edge’s betrayal was only the tip of the iceberg compared to the depths Phil would’ve sunk to in getting said angle over. In the end though, he was simply looking for some TLC from the group’s OG female. A little blast on the past if you will. 

Punk even bedded Beth Phoenix around 2011, which the couple kept undercover in hopes of it not adversely affecting them mixing business with pleasure. The fact that Phil dated Lita after Edge, and then messed around with the future Mrs. Copeland right before they got together couldn’t have sat well with The Rated R Superstar. I can’t help but get the sense that Edge isn’t the biggest fan of Punk’s, who was no doubt a moody prick while they were working alongside each other in WWE. Then after the Best Shit-Stirrer in the World appeared on Ariel Helwani’s podcast last April, it was Adam Copeland of all people who cut a retaliatory promo on Dynamite just days later, even though he’d only been with the company for 6 months or so. 

And this is coming from a diehard Edgehead back in his Rated R glory days. It took me a while to come to terms with him leaving WWE, and to also cope with that brutal name change, but I’ve enjoyed most of Edge’s work in AEW thus far. This ménage à trois between him, Beth and Punk however boils down to the unwritten rule that you can’t be eskimo brothers with a dude who plowed your wife first. Bro code dictates it. 

Phil’s no durag-wearing Vince, but similarly enough, his rap sheet is a real who’s who of people he’s screwed. And everything came full circle when the jerk turned a 2012 storyline with AJ Lee into reality and married her on the same day he was fired from WWE. Yep, Daniel Bryan might’ve only lasted 18 seconds when it mattered most, but Punk’s still hanging in there over a decade later. For the record, I love watching wrestling fans set themselves up for disappointment every January with these surprise Royal Rumble returns. The speed in which they shift from “the pop for AJ Lee if she comes out #30 will be Austin-esque” to “we just have to accept that she’s never coming back” is absurdly hilarious. Fans love to play booker, yet they jump straight to conclusions. There’s no patience whatsoever. 

When Punk name dropped Seth’s wife on RAW last week and she clapped back with a quickly-deleted tweet, it really got my wheels turning. If Becky Lynch had appeared during their steel cage match instead of Roman, MSG would’ve ERUPTED. She helps Rollins win of course, then confronts Punk the following Monday in the ring and starts making more insinuations about Roxanne when AJ’s music suddenly hits. The crowd goes nuts as Lee attacks Lynch, and it ultimately leads to Punk & AJ versus Seth & Becky at WrestleMania 41. With all due respect to The OTC, my proposed mixed tag is wayyy more appetizing than a Reigns/Rollins/Punk triple threat with no stakes. Their feud has 5 weeks to simmer so hopefully they spice things up in the meantime, because I’m currently more intrigued by this growing perception of Phil Brooks being a manwhore in plain sight.

Case in point — Bayley posted a selfie months ago of Punk and herself hanging out alone in what looked to be a hotel room or apartment of some sort. People automatically assumed things, and then felt real stupid when AJ Lee was shown to be there with them in a follow-up photo. Do the schmucks on social media ever learn? Negative. These smartphonies just keep reacting before their brain’s able to realize it actually knows nothing on the matter.   

Roxanne Perez describes Punk as her work dad, and constantly confides in him for advice and feedback. — “She’s young enough to be his daughter. He clearly has a type, because she could pass for AJ’s little sister. Their relationship is completely inappropriate.” 

Punk brings Jey Uso and Jackie Redmond along with him to a Chicago Blackhawks game the week before WM40. — “Why is she there with two married men? Clearly trying to sleep her way to the top of WWE.”

In a behind-the-scenes video recorded hours ahead of the 2024 Royal Rumble, Punk runs over to greet and hug newcomer Jade Cargill. — “Wow, those two were a lot closer backstage in AEW than I realized.” 

Rhea Ripley and CM Punk are photographed working out together at WWE HQ gym. — “Hmmm looks like Mami’s found herself a new training buddy.” 

Wrestling fans catch a glimpse of one picture or video of Punk with a woman who isn’t AJ, and their mind goes straight to an ad for a porn shoot. I know we all have dirty minds to some degree, but Jesus Christ. Despite what the old saying suggests, not every picture is worth a thousand words. Just because WWE posts Punk having a “Father Daughter Day” with Cora and Roxanne at the gym, it doesn’t mean there’s some underlying sex trafficking ring going on. 

These are friendly coworkers palling around in their downtime, but due to controversy following Punk around his whole career, fans swear there’s gotta be more than meets the eye in regards to the female company he keeps. Nah, you’ve just watched one too many Hulu documentaries. Put down the microscope and just enjoy things at face value for a change. It’s nice. Doesn’t require all that critical thinking either. 

While I couldn’t tell you what the net worth of Phil Brooks stands at today, all his time spent in close quarters with these beautiful women has proved invaluable. CM Punk may never main event a WrestleMania, but he’s reached euphoric heights that most men in this industry only dream of. Hence why Phil the Lady Killer is my hero when it comes to slaying women.  

Twitter: writersblock_skitz (@SirSkitzAlot)

Email: skitztmrlop@gmail.com