Welcome to World Wrestling Entertainment! Where everything is made up and the points don’t matter…
Isn’t it sad that Seth Rollins had to come out on Monday to discuss how he has no path to Wrestlemania? The writers essentially created a storyline about how “creative has nothing” for him. 😬
Let’s all agree on one indistinguishable fact:
WWE television is a collective weekly sitcom where professional wrestling is used as the main plot device. There is no kayfabed structure. Wins and losses don’t matter, and continuity is largely ignored in character building and storytelling.
If you’re an honest WWE fan, you know that I’m right.
So who are we fooling? Instead of parading like half a legitimate wrestling product, why not go full-Russo? What if we booked current WWE like WCW in 2000? After all, if belts are props, character development has no meaning (see: “BUTCH”), and most of the roster is largely floating — why not have fun with all of it?
World Wrestling Entertainment, Bro.
As a long since jaded ex-WWE fan, I would much rather WWE be honest with themselves than try to put out something resembling a wrestling product. I believe that if the expectations are set in Russoland, the product might be better off.
Why not bring back even shorter title reigns? Let’s take the most hardened of wrestlers and re-brand them with goofy gimmicks. How about pregnancy and paternity angles, mud wrestling, pole matches, and celebrity world champions?
I bet the fan base is jones-ing to see talent lit on fire, “worked shoots”, and more toilet humor. So why not give it to them? WWE fans are diehards that will watch anything.
Let’s explore this with a 3-hour Monday Night Raw, the night after Wrestlemania.
Re-booking Raw in the spirit of WCW 2000
It’s the night after Wrestlemania. Roman Reigns has just won the unified World Championship. Roman’s fangirls are satisfied. The show opens.
Hour 1 Highlights
-McMahon congratulates Reigns on his win but reveals that tonight he will face his biggest challenge yet. Logan Paul.
-Announcement: Dana Brooke will defend the 24/7 title against Veer Mahaan.
-After taking a nasty bump on his head at Wrestlemania, Cody Rhodes has been asked to find two partners in a six-man tag versus Apollo Crews, Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode.
-Match #1 – Rhea (name has been changed to just ‘Rhea’) defeats Carmella quickly. Liv Morgan has cut her hair and has started to dress like Rhea. Liv will soon become obsessed with Rhea.
-A love storyline has been teased between Doudrop and Omos. Doudrop has commented on how “big” Omos is to fellow ladies Dana Brooke and Tamina. She will eventually become pregnant. The baby’s father will later be revealed to be a returning Hornswoggle for no logical reason.
-Tommaso Ciamapa has been re-branded to Nag Champa and now hands out incenses to other talent while refusing to wrestle. He is now a peaceful man.
-Match #2 – RKBro vs. Otis/Gable vs. The Mysterios for the Raw Tag Team Championships. After a match that goes over 20 minutes, the writers ruin the finish and has Dominik Mysterio go apeshit for no reason and take everyone out with a chair, including his father. Match ends in DQ.
-Ronda Rousey Promo: After a botch or two at Wrestlemania in her victory over Charlotte, Rousey has no choice to bash the fans and turn heel. She then rips on the industry and wrestling journalists. This is so edgy. E-Drones who hate Dave Meltzer love this.
Hour 2 Highlights
-Veer Mahaan defeats Dana Brooke by telepathically sucking her into the empty void that Mahaan was stuck in. Veer makes his first appearance on Raw and is now 24/7 champion. Dana Brooke is now stuck in the empty void. A promo of her debut next week on Raw is teased. She has been renamed to D-Brooke. Cole and Graves sell this as if they don’t know who D-Brooke is…
-KO Show hosts Charlotte Flair. Charlotte calls her loss a ‘fluke’ and challenges him to a match tonight. Owens doesn’t feel comfortable with it, but obliges after being put in the Figure 8 by Charlotte.
-MizTV has The Miz hosting Jake Paul after their win at Wrestlemania. Paul looks forward to his match against Roman Reigns for the Unified World Championship. Johnny Knoxville is brought out and announced as the Special Guest Referee.
-Elias has his named shortened to Eli. He is now a man of god, and reads, and sings, the gospel. He still mostly dresses like a homeless person.
-Match #3 – Kevin Owens defeats Charlotte Flair after a run-in from Ric Flair. Owens then dyes his hair blonde after the match. Steve Austin makes a run-in and stuns both of them. Austin vs. Flair has been announced for next week’s Raw.
-GOLDBERG is WALKING.
Match #4 – Ziggler/Roode/Crews defeat Cody Rhodes in a 6-man tag. Rhodes’ Mania head bump caused a severe head injury, causing Rhodes to play out his career gimmicks all in one match.
(He would often tag himself in from the outside, then switch to a Stardust mask, his “Dashing” face mask, or just himself wearing an AEW shirt. In Vince-like fashion, Rhodes takes the pinfall while wearing his AEW shirt.)
Hour 3 Highlights
-Seth Rollins cuts a promo. Becky Lynch interrupts him and calls him “weak” for losing his match at Wrestlemania. Lynch retained her title against Belair. Becky takes a chair to Rollins and a husband vs. wife feud will ensue. After questioning who “wears the pants” in the marriage, a ‘Pants on a Pole’ match has been announced for next week’s Raw.
-Brock Lesnar is at ringside dressed like a Godwinn. (google it if you don’t know) He has a bucket of slop with him.
-Match #5 – A.J. Styles vs. Finn Balor. Instead of a mat classic, five minutes into the match, a large bucket of slop is dropped on both men. Brock then challenges both Styles and Balor in a triple threat Hog Pen match next week for the U.S. Championship.
-Match #6 – Veer Mahaan wins an impromptu 24/7 title defense against Cedric Alexander via telepathic transportation. Cedric Alexander has been sent into the empty void. A graphic soon displays that promotes the debut of “Dric” (his new name) COMING SOON on Raw.
-After Edge’s successful win against Styles at Wrestlemania, he cuts an in-ring promo. After some inspirational talk, he asks production to hit the music. It’s “Blue” by Eiffel 65. A dance party ensues. Edge is happy again. Cut to a shot of Gangrel backstage watching this on a large TV sideways. He smiles.
-MAIN EVENT – Roman Reigns vs. Logan Paul (Unified Championship). Johnny Knoxville is special guest referee. After a match that goes way too long, there is a ref bump. In comes Goldberg. But it’s not just Goldberg, it’s HEEL GOLDBERG.
He takes out Roman Reigns. Jake Paul is about to make the pin when Knoxville comes to. Knoxville cracks Paul over the head with the belt. Knoxville makes the cover as a new ref is brought in and Knoxville gets the three count.
It is revealed that Knoxville altered the contract to put himself as Reigns’ challenger as opposed to Paul. SWERVE. Johnny Knoxville is the new Unified Champion.
-Cut to McMahon laughing hysterically as Raw goes off the air. He utters the words: “it’s such good shit!”
You Get the Point
Isn’t that much better?
But seriously, if the product was taken less seriously, wouldn’t that solve a lot of problems with it? It often feels like WWE doesn’t exactly know what it wants to be (aside from profitable). This leads to the inconsistencies and faulty logic that we tend to see in their programming.
As a longtime pro wrestling fan, I want a pro wrestling product. To quench this thirst, I go to AEW, New Japan, Impact, Stardom, MPW, etc. When there are comedic moments sprinkled throughout, it’s presented in a way where I know it’s a comedic skit or match.
I believe WWE would be better off if booked like a crazed WCW 2000, or like Japan’s former HUSTLE promotion. In recent times, this would be their current DDT (Dramatic Dream Team) promotion. A lot of overly silly shit happens, but the fans know that this is bound to happen. This leads to less cringe, and more acceptance of what the product is and isn’t.
In such a divisive time for wrestling fans, wouldn’t this be easier on everyone? WWE fans will like the product no matter what. Literally, no matter what.
But having this change in booking would have myself tuning in every week, either to laugh with it, or at it. Either way, it’s something I would highly recommend for the corporate content hog. Let’s face it; WWE is a bit silly, but acts like it’s not. They should just own up to it and embrace it..