IWC Scum — Me, Myself & SkitZ Discuss Clash in Paris with Disgust (Vague Predictions Included)

 

Me: Guess what, guys… Clash in Paris is this Sunday! Who’s excited?!

 

Myself: Meh. 

 

SkitZ: Should I be? 

 

Me: Of course! There’s plenty to get hyped up for, like the Good Ol’ Fashioned Donnybrook Match between Rusev and Sheamus!

 

Myself: Alright first off, how did this land on a PLE? No gimmick match in the world would make me wanna see these two neanderthals clobber each other again. And secondly, I haven’t the slightest fucking clue what a donnybrook even is. Sounds like something the poor people in the bowels of the Titanic used for bunk beds.

 

SkitZ: It’s not, but you make a decent point. There’s an obvious outcome to Rusev versus Sheamus, and it’s that they’ve won the ‘Creative Has Nothing Else For You So Fight Until Further Notice’ award outright. I mean we’re not even trying to keep the feud fresh. It’s just a blunted mindset of ”let’s keep bashing our heads against the wall until the concussions convince us this is genius stuff!”. Poor Rusev picked up right where he left off when the company sent him packing in 2020. 

 

Me: But he’s only been back for a couple months! We’ve gotta give Miro more time to re-acclimate before they move him onto a bigger and better program.

 

Myself: Yeah, well excuse me for not feeling too optimistic based on what I’ve seen so far. The same could be said for Aleister Black over on SmackDown. This man barely gets more screen time than his wife, and she’s never on TV. 

 

SkitZ: Aleister appears and vanishes so suddenly every week that he’s morphed into some kinda emo magician. The type of thing Vince McMahon would’ve conjured up and pushed to the moon.

 

Me: I think Black looks like something straight out of The Addams Family!

 

SkitZ: Maybe the lame, modernized Netflix version. What’s funny is Vince circa 2025 looks like both an old timey magician AND 1990’s Gomez Addams. Give it a few more months and Seth will be rocking the same threads. 

 

Me: Ooooooh the Fatal 4-Way for his belt has gotta be the main event Sunday night. At least LA Knight’s finally received another crack at a World Championship! It’s been nearly two years!

 

Myself: 1. Don’t ever assume someone else is headlining when Roman is on the show. And 2. How psyched can I possibly get for Seth’s title defense when the end result is so glaringly obvious? 

 

Me: What do you mean?

 

Myself: You wanna know how often the champion retains their strap in Fatal 4-Ways at PLEs? Every time. It’s scripture in WWE. They’ll give us a RAW main event caliber match that’s probably still shortchanged on time despite not being on cable, and Jey will eat the pin to pay Rollins back for putting him over right after Mania when the roles were reversed. That’s verbatim what will happen, so I’d temper those lofty expectations of yours.

 

Me: Fine. No yeet then.

 

Myself: Nah, I think you mean no Brock Lesnar. Everyone really thought this man would wrestle Cena at Clash in Paris… as if he could be bothered to fly overseas these days. Brock’s too busy building his daughter Mya into an albino She-Hulk. They’re saving Lesnar until that ESPN deal kicks in, so you all get Logan Paul in the meantime. Congratulations. 

 

SkitZ: Honestly, I’m more intrigued by Cena and Paul squaring off than what’s awaiting John at Wrestlepalooza.      

 

Myself: And that’s why you’re the weirdo of the group who most folks can’t relate to, because you’d rather nerd out over those two cornballs working a kayfabe-killing meta match than watching Brock give Cena the Raja Jackson treatment.

 

SkitZ: Jesus Christ, dude. Too soon. Syko Stu is still hospitalized! 

 

Myself: Hey, I call it like I see it. Just like Nikki Bella taking a title shot that belonged to NATTIE THE BADDIE.

 

Me: Speak for yourself! I’ve been loving the promo banter between Becky and Nikki since SummerSlam. 

 

SkitZ: The bustier Bella twin definitely gets a bad rap from internet fans. Nikki’s not that terrible. She just so happened to be the Divas Champ chosen to erase AJ Lee’s record title reign when the women’s revolution began, so she’s been inaccurately labeled as some type of trailblazer. 

 

Myself: I mean I’d rather watch Lynch duke it out with Kelly Osbourne this weekend than Nikki fuckin’ Bella, but if it were completely up to me? The Nattie who’s been unleashed on these WWE affiliate promotions would be challenging Becky for the gold in Paris. THAT matchup piques my interest, unlike the one we’re actually getting. 

 

SkitZ: To your point, I’m not really sure what WWE’s holdup is as to why they’re not leaning more into this character evolution of Nattie’s. She’s been overdue for this sort of change for a solid decade now. It’s progressing about as fast as a Karrion Kross push, which means it’ll likely never happen.     

 

Me: So we all agree that Becky retains?

 

Myself: Duh.

 

SkitZ: I can’t picture Nikki Bella sticking around long enough to win any title besides ‘Queen MILF of the Locker Room’ now that she’s single again.

 

Myself: Watch your back, boys! She likes it rough. 

 

SkitZ: And how the hell would you know that? 

 

Myself: Based on the police reports filed last year.

 

SkitZ: Wow, sometimes I forget how much of a piece of shit you truly are.

 

Myself: Lies. I’ve made it my life’s mission to constantly remind you. 

 

Me: Let’s keep it clean, gentlemen! Majority vote says Lynch retains the Women’s Intercontinental Championship, but will big Bronson Reed leave Paris with the shoe-la-fala? 

 

SkitZ: Normally, Wrestling 101 would dictate that Bronson steals the singles victory over Reigns after the tag match defeat at SummerSlam, but Reed is totally getting robbed. 

 

Myself: What he ^ said. The only thing Big Bronson’s gonna be collecting from Reigns here on out are Ls. In the company’s eyes, Reed strutting around with Roman’s shoes tied around his neck is rewarding enough since no one’s ever done it before. 

 

SkitZ: If WWE really wants Bronson to be viewed on the same level as Breakker, he desperately needs the pinfall victory on Sunday to feel validated. Hunter & Co. haven’t done a whole helluva lot lately to inspire optimism though, so me thinks-

 

Me: Reigns topples Reed in dominating fashion! 

 

Myself: Bingo. Who’s next up on the card? 

 

Me: Errrr nobody. That’s it.

 

Myself: Seriously? Five matches is all they booked? 

 

SkitZ: Why do you sound surprised? That’s the TKO status quo, stupid. Get with the program. 

 

Myself: No no no, you must be messing with me. What about Stephanie Vaquer? Surely they came up with a plan B for the Paris PLE. Is the she devil, Charlotte & Alexa working a 6-woman tag against Chelsea & The Secret Hervice? 

 

Me: Not quite! They’re giving Piper & Alba a title shot on SmackDown instead. 

 

Myself: So WWE’s known about Naomi’s pregnancy since the week after SummerSlam, yet they decided to just keep Stephanie off TV for the better part of a month, and now she’s missing the Clash altogether because they still haven’t decided on who she’s facing for the Women’s World Championship???

 

SkitZ: Pretty much. 

 

Myself: You know, Naomi picked an inconvenient fucking time to get knocked up. Not just for her career’s momentum, but for Stephanie’s growth as well!

 

SkitZ: Ahhh there’s the dickhead we know and tolerate.

 

Me: I felt like they should’ve given the vacant title shot against Vaquer to Raquel. She’s improved by leaps and bounds over the course of this year!

 

Myself: Try to keep it in your pants, squirt. Roxanne has her beat in every category except for size. Speaking of Perez & Rodriquez, is the rest of Judgment Day working Clash in Paris? 

 

SkitZ: Nope. 

 

Myself: Lame. What about AJ Styles? 

 

SkitZ: Negative.

 

Myself: Uhhh Rhea & Iyo versus The Bukkake Warriors? For crying out loud, they’ve been building up to that anime-esque tag match for weeks! 

 

SkitZ: Trips hasn’t pulled the trigger yet for some reason. And it’s Kabuki Warriors, you pervert.        

 

Myself: Pfft please. We both know Kabuki is a filthy little anagram for Bukkake. 

 

SkitZ: Hardly. Please get it together, and fast. Your Asian fetish is showing.

 

Myself: My bad, SkitZ. Holy shit though does this Clash card suck ass. Leaves A LOT to the imagination. No Randy Orton then? 

 

Me: Doesn’t appear so!

 

Myself: Shameful. And The Bloodline? 

 

Me: Doubtful!

 

Myself: Thank God. How about The Wyatt Sicks? 

 

SkitZ: They’re barely noticeable now that SmackDown’s lost an hour.    

 

Myself: No Drew or Cody either? 

 

SkitZ: Rhodes has more or less been on vacation since he reclaimed the title. 

 

Myself: MY GIRL GIULIA??? 

 

SkitZ: I’m fairly certain Road Dogg habitually forgets that she exists. 

 

Myself: Unforgivable. So this is basically a RAW-exclusive PLE? 

 

SkitZ: It might as well be! 

 

Myself: Goddamn. I feel bad for the poor people who paid an arm and a leg for tickets just to watch a glorified Saturday Night’s Main Event, while the other 95% of WWE’s roster flies back to the states. What a scam. 

 

SkitZ: Seriously. It reeks of stingy corporate budgeting. Why even bother tuning in to support that shit?

 

Me: …But we are going to watch Clash in Paris, right? 

 

 SkitZ: (sigh) Sadly yes. 

 

Myself: Like I have a choice.

 

SkitZ: Why on Earth do we continue to torture ourselves with this trivial nonsense?

 

Me: For the love of women’s wrestling, and all the wonderful visuals it offers us!

 

SkitZ: Amen to that, buddy. Well said. And you’re supposed to be the tame one of the bunch.

 

Myself: Why do we three insist on watching a pretend sport together? Because you don’t have any real friends to speak of besides us. 

 

SkitZ: Fuck off. I can’t wait for football season to get here.