IWC Scum — If Only John Cena Had More Dates (And Why Zelina Should Be Glad He Doesn’t)
Welcome back to the opinion piece that puts the incessant whining and complaining in IWC. I’m SkitZ – a disgraced columnist who mutters more nonsense than Jey Uso when he’s drunk on the job.
So John Cena’s last match has come and gone, and as per usual, the vocal majority of the wrestling public is divided on how it went down. As for my two cents? Well aside from Triple H feeling the need to provide bonus commentary for every story he tells on TV, I thought WWE did pretty damn good given the corner they had written themselves into with Cena’s retirement. Fans being pissed at The GOAT losing to Gunther is laughably shortsighted, because who didn’t see this coming ages ago?
“Oh it’s the way Cena tapped with that meme-tastic smirk on his face, as if the guy who built a career around never giving up was suddenly saying ‘actually on second thought it’s okay to quit’. He should have just passed out while Gunther had him locked in the sleeper hold”.
Yeah nah, I’ll take John fighting for minutes on end to escape before ultimately accepting his fate any day over The Ring General simply putting him to sleep. Cena had nothing left to give, and said as much after the final bell rang. The GOAT met his match. He knew what the victory would do for Gunther’s career and opted for something unprecedented by consciously submitting to the company’s next mega villain. Where’s the travesty in booking John’s final moments that way? We’ve got critics crying betrayal over the fundamental flaws in Cena’s final act when the vast majority of them spent two-thirds of the guy’s career shitting on everything he did.
“No matter how WWE tries to spin it, they were genuinely caught off guard by the magnitude of boos and chants after the match.”
Ah, so Triple H and his stooges weren’t expecting a volatile reaction to John Cena losing when every single person in the building was there to celebrate The GOAT and escort him happily into retirement? Wow, wrestling fans truly are a gullible bunch. Based on the heat Gunther received on RAW, I’d say it paid off even better than the company anticipated. And by the off chance that it didn’t, guess what? The IWC will have moved on and found something else to gripe about by the time we reach the New Year (sorry Austin Theory). But feel free to hop aboard the Triple H hate train until then. He works best as a methodically vindictive heel, remember? And Christmas is right around the corner mind you, so the more the merrier with all the colorful ball busting!
Randomly enough, my second biggest takeaway from this past weekend was how unfortunate of a Friday night Zelina Vega had on SmackDown. Aleister’s girl found herself wrestling in the main event, which has to be a career milestone for the former United States Champion, and it couldn’t have gone much worse. Zelina attempting a reverse hurricanrana three times and botching it back to back to back made for a tough watch. I’m sure the size difference between Vega and Ripley didn’t help matters, but at some point you’ve gotta adjust on the fly and abandon the goddamn spot! The consecutive miscues clearly rattled Zelina, who continued to stumble down the stretch. From a viewer standpoint, I just wanted the match to end before one of them walked out as banged up as Damian Priest.
I honestly felt bad for Zelina. First she’s rewarded with a title reign right after WrestleMania, but gets tasked with following the foundation Chelsea Green laid beforehand. To her credit, Vega did the best with what she was given; that being the bare minimum of course. Then Zelina and Aleister finally convince management to pair the real life couple together onscreen, and well, let’s just say I don’t foresee many main event opportunities in Vega’s future. Not in a wrestling capacity anyway. If you think about it though, the timing couldn’t have worked out any better for Zelina. WWE fans were so preoccupied singing John Cena’s praises and preparing for his swang song that it shifted a lot of the spotlight away from what took place 24 hours earlier. If Zelina’s clunky performance had happened a week or two later, you know the IWC would be eating her alive right now. Talk about a happy accident.
Like most wrestling fans at the moment, I’ve been doing a fair bit of reflecting on Cena’s farewell tour now that it’s over. The bottomless pit of desire inside my brain keeps going back to the comment John made about wanting to work 220 dates this year, and WWE saying they only needed him for 36. While part of me applauds the company for not overextending Cena and putting him at an increased risk of injury, you also can’t help but play devil’s advocate. “Holy shit, imagine how many more matches and feuds Cena could’ve packed into 2025 had they agreed to his initial proposal!” Therefore (in no particular order), I decided to compile a brief list of opponents whom I either expected or hoped The GOAT would wrestle prior to retiring.
Drew: At the beginning of the year, your boy SkitZ wasn’t fully convinced that Cena would win #17. I kept thinking he might straight up refuse to out of respect for the man who seemingly loses more of it with each tweet. If Jey Uso won the Royal Rumble and CM Punk survived the Elimination Chamber, the next logical choice for Cena in my mind was a match against McIntyre at WrestleMania 41. The bookies take some sort of sick pleasure in torturing The Chosen One though, and thus he pulled the Damian card instead. Tough luck yet again for Drew, who I assumed would be a lock to cross paths with Cena post-SummerSlam. McIntyre would have to eat the pin, naturally, but what’s new?
Melo Don’t Miz: Plenty of people have harped on the fact that the 2-time Grand Slam Champion never received a 1-on-1 match against Cena during his yearlong retirement tour. The A-Lister himself has been vocal in regards to getting shoved aside; citing “certain circumstances” for why he never wrestled The GOAT one final time. Anybody with a decent memory should remember what these mysterious circumstances are, but here’s the harsh truth – there was never any demand for another Miz/Cena match. Between their initial clash at the ‘09 Bash, 2011 feud, and mixed tag on the WrestleMania 33 undercard, every encounter was mediocre at best. When the lasting images of your rivalry are John’s post-match proposal to Nikki Bella and you being the third wheel in Rock and Cena’s throuple, it’s best to leave that shit behind.
There were also members of the IWC lobbying for Carmelo Hayes to be the Cinderella story of the Last Time is Now tournament. While that may have been too far-fetched of an idea, you place Melo Don’t Miz in a tag bout against Cena and a mystery partner on SmackDown, and my interest is piqued. R-Truth teaming with The GOAT to take on Hayes and his former mentor has all the makings of a shenanigans-filled main event. For the comedic possibilities yes, but you also give a rising star in Melo the chance to mix it up with Cena.
Sheamus: Given the redhead’s storied history with Cena, a banger between these two seemed unavoidable. And while wrestling alongside The GOAT one final time is better than nothing, I have no doubt Sheamus would’ve preferred this route. A fist fight with the very same guy The Celtic Warrior dethroned twice within the span of 6 months to kickstart his WWE career. Imagine if Sheamus had finally checked winning the Intercontinental Championship off his bucket list, and did so by dethroning a guy who just beat him to the punch! You could make a similar case for Cena versus Rusev happening once John jumped back over to RAW towards the end of the year, but I just don’t think fans give nearly as much of a fuck about The Bulgarian Brute here in 2025. Sheamus has him beat in every conceivable category.
Edge: PSYCH. This Adam Copeland mention is for all the dumbasses who believe wrestler contracts are inked in kayfabe. You’re real delusional if you think Tony Khan would release Edge early at the beck and call of his competition.
Ziggler: In an alternate universe where Cena actually wrestled on SmackDown over the summer and welcomed open challenges, here’s a blast from the past that people would’ve marked hard for. Dolph and his old rival had great chemistry, which they put on display time and time again at the tail end of 2012. Wrestling fans were thrilled when Ziggler showed up last month to job like all TNA wrestlers do on WWE programming, but bringing him back just to sell for Solo was a waste. Yeah that’s right, Rikishi. I said it. Imagine Dolph and Cena tearing the house down on a random Friday night, and then Road Dogg ruining it with some sort of lame non-finish involving the MTF’s.
Ryder: And in keeping with the spirit of open challenges, I say WWE should’ve cut out the middle men and just had Matt Cardona face John Cena directly. If for no other reason than letting these two go back and forth in a promo segment that’s bound to be entertaining as all hell. I can picture it now – Ryder emerges and Cena is all smiles, until Zack lays into John for stealing his girl back in the day and making him look like a total dork. Cardona mentions that he’s obviously upgraded since then, which generates a “Chelsea Green” chant, followed by a match, and so on. Then fast forward to SNME this past Saturday, where the camera crew shows Eve Torres sitting at ringside, before quickly cutting to an unhappy Zack Ryder who is none too pleased to see her there. This shit should write itself, but alas, here we are. Add me to the Creative Team already.
Wade: I’ve always been a fan of the occasional commentator/wrestler feud, so long as it falls more in the realm of Cody Rhodes versus Booker T, and nowhere near the awfulness of Jerry Lawler versus Michael Cole. Ever since he returned to the company in a non-wrestling role, the possibility of Barrett lacing up his boots again often comes up in conversation. Between Cena’s heel run and his detrimental impact on Wade’s first few years on the main roster, WWE had an opportunity to reignite a rivalry which dates back to 2010. Leading eventually to a PLE or SNME match that could’ve even featured cameos from some of the original Nexus members. Maybe then Barrett would’ve enjoyed Cena’s attempt at playing the bad guy.
Jacob: No Roman. No Jey. No Solo. Give me Fatu versus Cena, and see if they don’t produce the best men’s match on any given show. The face/heel dynamic doesn’t necessarily matter either, as I’m confident Jacob was capable of holding his own against The GOAT before he completely disappeared from TV over the past four months. With the speed and agility of his late cousin Umaga, I get hyped just daydreaming about the potential of Cena and Fatu going to war for 20+ minutes without any restrictions. Be it a Last Man Standing contest, a Street Fight, or any likewise stipulation that saves us from a Cody/Oba-esque buzzkill.
Bron: Much in the same vein of Cena passing the torch to top guys like Cody and Gunther, Breakker scoring a victory over The GOAT could’ve served as his Reed pinning Roman moment; further cementing Steiner Jr. as the next big thing in WWE. CM Punk’s been assigned with doing so, and although their program continues to chart in a promising direction, I actually think Bron and John match up better as opponents. And that would have led perfectly into the following scenario…
Seth: Even with Cena’s dates becoming more limited down the stretch, I thought for sure these two would battle by the time the GOAT wrapped up his career 12 days before Christmas. As a matter of fact, I was certain months ago that Cena would eventually cross paths with The Vision, leading to him being part of the babyface Wargames team and receiving a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship at Saturday Night’s Main Event this past weekend.
Now obviously this was prior to Rollins’ injury, Cena dethroning Dirty Dom, and the announcement of the Last Time is Now tournament. Tell me you wouldn’t have been so down though for a Career versus Title match on December 13th between Cena and Seth had John said: “if I win the World Title, I’m not just going to vacate it on the following show and ride off into the sunset. That’s not my style. I will defend the championship with honor and pride until someone takes it from me. Only then will I officially be retired”.
By doing so, you create intrigue and cast doubt on whether it truly is Cena’s final match. With so many fans theorizing that the GOAT should only bow out on pro wrestling’s biggest stage, this suddenly injects the entire scenario with unpredictability and optimism… only for Rollins to beat and retire Cena at SNME in heartbreaking fashion. No disrespect to Gunther, but I’d take that storyline over the tourney route without thinking twice.
The Rock: Wait, you thought I was serious with this one? NEVER. I didn’t even wanna see him and Cena wrestle twice, let alone a third time 12 years later when a Final Boss appearance is harder to come by than a definitive GTA 6 release date. The dirtsheets repeatedly duping people into expecting Dwayne Johnson to show up since Elimination Chamber has gotta be the single greatest swerve of the past 9 months. From not turning up at WrestleMania, or SummerSlam, or Saturday Night’s Main Event for Cena’s last hurrah, The Rock continues to be the best heel in the business. I mean c’mon, he’s pissed people off all year long without even appearing on WWE programming!
Perhaps his retirement tour is coming next. Don’t be surprised when Rocky returns to piggyback off of Cena’s “I’m going to ruin wrestling” shtick. Yep, prepare yourselves for 6 months of The Final Boss blaming us for The Smashing Machine being a flop at the box office, followed by him subbing in Travis Scott to fight most of his battles due to scheduling conflicts.