IWC Scum — Treat Yourself (Picking Through My Pile of Guilty Pleasure Matches)
Happy Halloween you numbskulls. Welcome back to the column that puts the incessant whining and complaining in IWC. I cosplay year-round as SkitZ, so today is really nothing special for this aging hipster doofus.
In keeping with the spirit of the season though, why don’t we give in to temptation a bit? I’ve found myself perpetually distracted by old WWE matches as of late while attempting to binge on horror flicks like Evil Dead, the original Alien and House of 1000 Corpses. Revisiting mat classics and legendary encounters is common practice for wrestling nerds, but what about your guilty pleasures? I’m talking matches you love for the wrong reasons. Maybe because they’re obscure, maybe because they’re unintentionally hilarious, or maybe because they’re so bad that it’s oddly appealing. Whatever the case may be, I thought it’d be fun to share my own personal stash of favorites with you gluttons.
~ The Rock vs. Mankind in an Empty Arena Match (Halftime Heat / January 1999): Genius concept by Mr. McMahon, who’s in his element here calling the action from ringside. An eerily similar environment to what became the norm during those Covid years, yet it’s better than 90% of the crap that the pandemic produced.
Mick and Rocky make their way through the arena like levels in a video game; brawling from the cheap seats to the kitchen to random offices, loading docks, etc. Foley takes the brunt of the punishment while The Great One graces us with the nonstop improv skills that we grew to love him for. Clever finish as well, with Mankind using a forklift to pin The Rock and regain the WWF Title. Crazy to think this took place only a week after Foley had his head battered in at the ‘99 Royal Rumble. Concussion protocol be damned, these are the type of character performances that’ll have you yearning for the glory days.
~ Chris Jericho vs. William Regal in a Duchess of Queensbury Rules Match (Backlash 2001): If anything, this feud didn’t last long enough. The rush can be attributed to Jericho rapidly ascending to main event status whereas Regal was merely a mid level villain. Y2J and the Commissioner were natural enemies with stellar chemistry, which made for funny segments and some quality matches.
This turned out to be a wonderfully worked contest in front of a hot Chicago crowd. I love when a heel uses an advantageous set of circumstances to make it impossible for the babyface to prevail. Y2J has the match won on two separate occasions, but each time the Duchess herself bends the rules to save Regal from defeat. Jericho eventually loses it, attacks the Queen’s security team and puts her in the walls, which allows The Commish to steal the victory with a steel chair-assisted sneak attack. Regal and Jericho received twice as many minutes at Backlash as they did in the Mania curtain jerker, and it paid off with a really solid match structured around a wonky stipulation.
~ Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Van Dam (Invasion 2001): Who could’ve imagined that a belt as unsightly and dishonorable as the Hardcore Title would have the likes of Jeff Hardy, RVD and The Undertaker battling over it towards the tail end of the Attitude Era. While I’d read about the ECW legend in wrestling magazines and caught glimpses of his work pre-Invasion storyline, this was pretty much my first real exposure to Mr. Pay Per View.
To see someone not only outperform Jeff athletically, but match his innovative moveset as well just blew my young fragile mind. Although Hardy is typically the fan favorite in these scenarios, the Cleveland crowd that night were going total apeshit for every single thing Van Dam did. Probably not even their best effort, but watching Jeff and RVD spar that first time felt special.
~ Hardcore Title Segments during WrestleMania 18: Weird choice, right? Yeah well, IT STILL COUNTS.
Peak storytelling to me is when WWE would script a show-specific angle that kept developing backstage in-between the matches.
If you’ll recall, the official contest was billed as Goldust versus Maven, which means we’re treated to the veteran breaking in the rookie with some stiff offense to appease the boys in the back. Then shenanigans ensue, leading to everybody from Spike Dudley to The Hurricane to Mighty Molly capturing the hideous hunk of gold. The capper being Maven schoolboying Christian to reclaim the same title he entered the night with, before speeding off in a limousine while DDP’s former protege throws another temper tantrum in the parking garage.
As silly as the segments were, they squeezed nearly a dozen notable names onto the show who would’ve been left off the card otherwise. Each added something to the broadcast, and made the most of their screen time. Everyone except for Al Snow anyway.
~ Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar (Survivor Series 2002): This clash for the WWE Championship clocks in at just over 4 minutes, and your boy SkitZ was on the edge of his seat for every second of it. I remember watching said PPV as a spunky teenager and hardly being able to stay seated on the living room sofa without bouncing off the walls. My testosterone levels at the time synced up perfectly with the intensity of The Next Big Thing.
I went into it wondering if Brock would be physically capable of hitting the F5 on Big Show, and he proceeded to toss the 500-pounder around the ring like a goddamn cruiserweight. Lesnar pulls off one impressive feat after another, and Paul Heyman screws over another client as Brock suffers his first defeat in WWE. These two behemoths would go on to have better matches involving stretchers and collapsing rings, but the unpredictability and surprise finish sets this one apart for me.
~ Rey Mysterio vs. Matt Hardy (SmackDown / June 2003): Hands down the best version of the latter, and no, this wasn’t contested with the Cruiserweight Title hanging high above the ring. Following months of chasing Hardy, Mysterio finally wins his first championship in WWE in front of his family and friends. An excellent TV main event full of interference, crafty counters and nearfalls. Dirty diapered Dom even runs in the ring to embrace his Pops while Mrs. Mysterio sheds tears of joy from the front row. This hits you in all the right feels from start to finish. I had completely forgotten about Crash Holly apprenticing as an MFer for awhile there… The company shit canned the poor dude just a couple weeks later.
When I went back to rewatch this gem on Peacock, the episode above it was captioned with the following description: Vince McMahon arm wrestles amputee Zack Gowen for a contract. Oh how the disturbed wrestling fan in me misses times like these.
~ William Regal vs. Chris Benoit (No Mercy 2006): Hmmm am I overindulging? The term ‘guilty pleasure’ certainly carries a little extra weight here. Of course Michael Cole has to make it retroactively awkward by stating that Benoit took a 6-month hiatus before returning in this match to “clear his head and get right”. Uhhhhh that’s one way to phrase it.
As the unofficial lackey of King Booker’s Court, Sir William didn’t receive many opportunities to showcase his godlike wrestling abilities, so the following performance served as a rare gift. Few wrestlers were more cutthroat between the ropes or could hang with Benoit better than – whoops, poor choice of words – I’m sure you get the gist. This impromptu bout is far from flashy, but it offers a smashmouth blend of styles reinforced with top notch technical wrestling. The Crippler strongarms Regal into submission, and let’s move onto something more uplifting.
~ Every Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga Match from 2007-08: Why? I chalk it up to the 5-time Intercontinental Champion having little regard for his wellbeing, and the Samoan Bulldozer being happy to ragdoll Jeff into an early grave or wheelchair. Umaga had just flirted with the main event, Hardy was on the cusp of it, and they combined in the meantime to make for ideal opponents. Jeff’s daredevil antics mixed with Fatu’s brute strength and agility always made for scintillating television. Don’t you dare overlook Umaga in this equation either, because the big man picked his spots beautifully.
If you put a gun to my head and forced me to pick one right now, I’d say their banger from the Great American Bash in ‘07. The way Umaga dominates and then lets Hardy battle back from underneath before absolutely demolishing him to kill the comeback is as good as it gets. Their cage bout on RAW a few months later though, along with the falls count anywhere match at One Night Stand, are close seconds on the enjoyment scale.
~ Santino vs Jack Swagger in a Steel Cage Match (SmackDown / March 2012): Pffft and right after I spent my entire last column complaining about them. What a hypocrite, eh? The key difference in this instance however, and it’s a biased reason for sure, is that I was in attendance that evening. Yep, your boy SkitZ bought a last second ticket to the SmackDown taping, drove down to Mohegan Sun Arena and actually scored a decent floor seat. The only show I ever went to alone, which made me feel as out of place in the crowd as a fucking plant.
Speaking of which, we don’t appreciate or celebrate Santino’s former brilliance nearly enough these days. Stemming from his acclaimed performance against Daniel Bryan in the Elimination Chamber, Marella had grown wildly popular at this point, and the company rewarded him by beating Swagger to become the United States Champion.
This essentially saw the All-American American invoke his rematch clause, with Vickie and Dolph lurking about at ringside. I wouldn’t consider it a classic steel cage by any means, but Santino excels as the face in peril, and he capitalizes on a Guerrero blunder to escape with the W. However, not before striking Ziggler with a double dose of Cobra while he’s attempting to climb the cage, which The Showoff sells like firecrackers just exploded in the palms of his hands. This is the only match I remember from that night, and the only show I rewatch to try and spot my face in the sea of fans. What? At least my vanity has its limits.
~ Hornswoggle vs. El Torito in a WeeLC Match (Extreme Rules 2014): Someone on the Elon app will occasionally post a clip of this bonafide classic, but it deserves so much more than just a passing glance of praise. Part of the issue is it landing on the kickoff show, while the rest can be attributed to that taboo sense of guilt we feel as normal-length humans for being amused by little people. Nevertheless, I don’t think it’d be a stretch to say that WeeLC gave us the best match of the entire evening.
Flanked by 3MB and Los Matadores who serve as subservient lumberjacks, Hornswoggle and Torito deliver a monster performance; pulling off a range of spots that should be impossible for men of their lowly stature. We’re treated to miniature tables, ladders, chairs, Micro Cole & Jerry Smaller on commentary, etc. It’s a fully committed effort from a production standpoint. So ridiculously entertaining that I was left craving more when the match ended. This must’ve been Drew’s rock bottom moment; getting overshadowed by Hornswoggle and a shrunken luchador on the pre-show is some bullshit.
~ Jeff Hardy vs. Elias in a Symphony of Destruction Match (RAW / November 2020): The bizarro world of WWE during the Thunderdome era lent itself to cringey creations such as this. No doubt a Vince inspired idea. And yes, Jeff makes a number of appearances in this column. As he should. The man’s a legend, and his old matches are just as captivating on the rewatch.
There’s the perfect amount of instrumentation without them going overboard. R-Truth pops out of the piano like a cartoon character, Elias catches Hardy in mid air with a guitar shot to the anus, and Jeff blankets him with baby violins before a table spot to really enhance the brutality. I can’t watch Elias selling electrocution and Hardy hitting him with that humongous cello without laughing my ass off. Jeff playing the tambourine after winning is par for the comedic course. I miss Elias in WWE, infinitely more than those singing videos Hardy kept posting last year. Ahhh just kidding. Our bleeding eardrums are a small price to pay for his happiness and sobriety I suppose.
~ Riddle vs. Roman Reigns (SmackDown / June 2022): For years I assumed the former UFC fighter was simply another RVD – just with fewer brain cells – but recent events have shown that The Rude Dude is no more than a coked up douchebag. He’s the kinda piece of shit that certain fans try to portray CM Punk as. Riddle had serious potential, and a promising trajectory in WWE, but disrespecting guys like Brock, Goldberg and Roman will nuke your push quicker than any airport incident or failed drug test. What a fucking waste.
Doesn’t change the fact that I love this match somethin’ fierce. The OTC very rarely defended his title(s) on SmackDown; this was probably the last time it happened. Riddle vowed to avenge his fallen bro Randy by dethroning Reigns, and delivered huge in a high stakes matchup. The crowd went wild for the nearfalls, and bit hard on the RKO counter. You wouldn’t think so, but these two meshed extremely well together. I would’ve much rather seen Riddle and Roman run it back instead of the lame retreading with Lesnar that followed.
Could the Rude Dude actually beat Reigns in a real fight? What’s funny is, even if he did, The Bloodline would bury Riddle regardless. Alright peeps, that’s gonna do it for my dirty dozen of guilty pleasure matches. Now are you going to offer up some of your own, or am I the only gullible loser willing to share his goods?