Planet Kayfabe: Becky is Becky
Submitted by Kayfabe Candyass on 02/10/2019 at 12:48 PM

Planet Kayfabe: Becky is Becky

By: 'K. C.' Paul Matthews | @PlanetKayfabe

Another year; another Super Bowl in the books. Another ring on Tom Brady's fingers... This time on the opposite hand because a man only has so many fingers. That's six rings to be exact. In case you haven't heard. Tom Brady. 6 rings of 9 Super Bowl appearances. Both a best in National Football League history. Plus a 30-10 playoff record against the best competition the league has to offer in his career. Also, by far, a best in history. Those record 16 division titles are cool, too. Truly, we are witnessing greatness, the likes we may never see a gain. You could say Tom Brady is the best there is, best there was and the best there ever will be, but it's easier just to say he's the G.O.A.T. Well done, New England Patriots. A brilliant defensive effort shutting down one of the league's top offensive forces to a measly 3 points and Julian Edelman solidifies himself as one of the greatest big game receivers with Super Bowl MVP honors. Edelman is the first Jewish Super Bowl MVP, also. Mozel tov! Of course, head coach Bill Belichick, the greatest mind in American sports history earns his 8th Super Bowl ring and his 6th as a head coach. Man, they migh as well just rename the Lombardi Trophy after him. Congratulations to the New England Patriots. The greatest dynasty in NFL history continuing a two decade run of dominance.

Hi :)

Now that that's out of the way, welcome to Planet Kayfabe where I usual talk about wrestling. Hey, in America I have to listen to everyone outside the five and-a-half New England states bitch about my team all year. I wait until they hoist another championship banner to take my victory lap and I promise, that's the last I'll mention it.

Becky Lynch was on Raw this past week who came out to a hero's welcome the way Tom Brady and the New England Patriots did this past Tuesday at their parade celebrating their Super Bowl LIII victory. This after Stephanie McMahon welcomed us to Raw because it's Wrestlemania season and this family must soak up as much air time as possible. Gee, I wonder why they have such a hard time creating new stars? Of course right on cue, someone in the McMahon Family (Triple H included) has to plaster themselves all over whoever is the hottest star going into Wrestlemania. Amazing how this always works out, huh?

Becky Lynch vs Raw Women's Champion Ronda Rousey is the hottest Wrestlemania match WWE has right now. Something that is commonly lost on WWE these days is the KISS method. That's 'keep it simple, stupid". The art of building a big match, even if you back into on accident, is the easiest thing in wrestling and legitimate combat sports. The people want to see it -- just give it to them. Instead we get this hokey injury angle. I'm not a fan. In my opinion this injury direction is unnecessary and cools down the heat this match has when their mission is to keep fans hot for this match for the next 2 months before they can deliver it. Instead the McMahon's can't help themselves. They MUST be involved. They MUST do their old shtick. I'm sure whatever geek in creative that suggested Stephanie McMahon and Triple H get involved with the company's hottest star got a raise for that bright idea, too.

One short month after Vince, Shane and Stephanie McMahon along with Triple H all stood in the ring basically on their hands and knees begging you to stay. Practically offering free blow jobs to the hundreds in attendance and the thousands watching at home. They are pretty much back to the old authority routine and hogging up more TV time than they have in a while. Even Shane McMahon, the most likable of the bunch, is a current title holder in the company. What the f***? Is this what we were promised with the "New" New Era? I thought it was about fresh faces and giving power to the people? Nope. We were duped. Stephanie has to lurch over the ladies, starring down with her caked on face in hideous HD because the McMahon's are the stars and the rest of the talent are just pawns. Luckily Becky Lynch is as over enough to overcome these obstacles. Over like the Super Bowl was when New England Patriots cornerback Stephon Gillmore intercepted Jared Goff late in the 4th quarter.

What the hell am I watching anyway? This is exactly why no one gets over. Look at Smackdown. I enjoyed that promo segment with Hunter, but what did it accomplish? All it did to me was show me who the star of the show was. Everyone wants to make these comparison to Steve Austin and Vince McMahon, Becky being Austin. There's one key thing missing. Vince McMahon sold like a bitch for Austin. Do you think Hunter and Stephanie are going to do that? No it's going to be a bunch of starring down, angry faces and finger pointed. When one of them pisses their pants on TV I'll start comparing them to Vince McMahon who was a great heel authority figure who knew how to get guys over.

The title of this piece is "Becky is Becky" because I think WWE is being lazy and going too heavy handed with making her out to be Steve Austin. They do this all the f***ing time and I f***ing hate it. Whenever someone organically gets over and they have a bit of an edge they try and make them out to be Steve Austin but not only that they pretty much try to reenact old storylines. I know everything in wrestling gets recycled but instead of doing something new it comes off like WWE is trying to play a cover song of the Attitude Era and its just not the same. They tried and failed with Cena vs Bischoff. There was a time where Randy Orton was supposed to be Austin. CM Punk was supposed to be Austin. Now Becky is Austin. Only like everyone else who does an angle with 'The Authority' she's never going to get the heat on them when Austin got the heat almost every night and the fans loved it.

To those who say "Austin/McMahon was 20 years ago. The new fans don't remember" I say... You're wrong. Just like how all the talking heads on ESPN were wrong about Tom Brady and the New England Patriots this past season by saying they were done. First of all, next time you go to a WWE event or turn on the TV look around. If you're 30 years old chances are you're one of the younger people there. New fans? What new fans? Since moving Raw to 3 hours they've whittled down this show to the hardcores and the audience has only gotten smaller since Roman Reigns left for health reasons. There are no new fans. There's no new younger generation screaming for their hero. It's all old guys who watched in the Attitude Era AND LONGER out there. The hardcores that will never go away. The younger fans they do have are all hardcore fans who have seen the Austin/McMahon stuff on various DVD's and network specials over the years because the WWE has marketed the living f*** out of the Attitude Era for well over a decade now. There are people who were born in 1998 that are making comparisons to Becky Lynch and Stone Cold Steve Austin and now WWE are just beating the nail too hard on the head.

Maybe I'm over-reacting though. Some of you think I'm prone to hyperbole. Maybe. I still stand by this whole injury angle being a bit clusterf***y and WWE doesn't have the patience to let an intricate storyline develop. Case and point: Becky's "suspension" in storyline. One week later she's being promoted for Raw. Look, I don't mind having her on Raw, but why does it have to be THE MCMAHONS INVITE BECKY LYNCH TO RAW? Wouldn't it be better if she just showed up? She just showed up on Smackdown so there's no reason for fans to think she wouldn't show up on Raw to attack Ronda during her promo. Actually, I wish that were the case but oooooh no... she has this stupid leg to sell because WWE thinks that will give her babyface sympathy or some dumb shit. As if she needs any f***ing help getting over! Damn. All you need is Becky Lynch and Ronda Rousey. Two big personalities. Two superstars fans want to see have a match. Just keep it between them. Why clutter it up with a stupid injury angle and the McMahons and a suspension and now Charlotte is heeling up on everyone trying to shoehorn herself into the match because she came in 2nd place in the Rumble as if that f***ing means dick.

Here on Planet Kayfabe we don't just complain, we give solutions. Much like how the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots had the right solution for the Los Angeles Rams' powerful offense holding them to a measly little 3 points. That's half the points that Tom Brady has in Super Bowl rings, by the way. My solution is simple. Give the people what they want. I know, crazy, huh? No hokey angles. No overbearing stale ass heel authority bullshit. No. The fans are passionate for Becky Lynch. The fans are passionate for Ronda Rousey. There's more interest in this match than I've seen in a big Wrestlemania match in years. Keep it between Becky and Ronda.

That also means keeping it a singles match. I don't dislike Charlotte Flair at all, but she really has no business being in this match other than for WWE wanting to put her in it just to have her in it. In my opinion that waters it down. You ask anyone what they want to see and that's Becky Lynch vs Ronda Rousey. WWE is smart to tease Charlotte taking Becky's spot. I'll give them credit for that. Many fans are worried about WWE just booking Charlotte in the match and WWE playing off that is actually pretty clever and surprisingly in-touch by them. However in the end I don't think this match should end up being a triple threat. Did everyone forget about Asuka? She's only the Smackdown women's champion who tapped out Becky Lynch and hasn't been seen since. What the f*** is up with that shit? There's a built in storyline for Charlotte to face Asuka, not just because she is the champion but because last year when Charlotte ended Asuka's undefeated streak Charlotte was champion. Now that Asuka is they can have a rematch with the roles reversed a bit.

Fans don't want hokey shit. They don't want a barrage of angles. Do you know why Ronda got over? Because she has credibility and comes off as a badass. The same reason Brock Lesnar is over. The same reason most main eventers ever get over. That's what Becky needs to be. Just an answer to Ronda. Someone who may not have the background but is fearless and carries herself with a sort of confidence that makes her easy to cheer and cool to get behind. NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH HER f***ING LIMP OUT THERE OR GET BITCHED AT BY THOUSAND YEAR OLD STEPHANIE MCMAHON!

That's pretty much where the comparisons to Austin end though. She is popular, but not that level of a draw. Yet anyway. Actually as of right now there's no evidence of her being a draw at all other than her being popular with the fans that WWE already has. That's somewhat irrelevant, though. Ronda is the mainstream star anyway. Becky can become a mainstream star and perhaps a true draw herself with a big win at Wrestlemania but the spotlight has to be on her. It can be a Triple Clusterf*** Special. It can't be a Fatal f*** Way. It can't be a Six f*** Challenge. It is simple. Becky Lynch on one side. Ronda Rousey on the other side. Let. Them. Fight.


Thank you for reading this edition of Planet Kayfabe. I know its a bit late this week, but hey like Tom Brady I decided to deliver on Sunday this week. By the way did you know that Tom Brady and Bill Belichick both became the oldest in their positions to win a Super Bowl at 41 and 66 respectively?

Oh? You want more fun facts?

Tom Brady is the only quarterback with over 200 regular season wins in his career and never had a losing season as a starter. 6 Super Bowl rings, 4 Super Bowl MVP's, 3 league MVP's, 14 Pro Bowl selections, 16 division titles. 30 post-season victories almost double of whatever jabroni comes in 2nd place. The most passing yards and touchdown passes when you include his 40 post-season games started, also a record of course. Also Tom Brady in his 18 years in the league is 4th in pass attempts yet he's ranked 47th in interceptions thrown to the other team. That's a 517/171 TD-INT ratio, by the way. Truly amazing. Plus to top it all off, he's such a handsome man.

Ya know, I figured you'd all enjoy these stats since I've been seeing everyone post so much about Tom Brady and the Patriots I figured you all were such big fans. So, I had to dedicate a little bit of my wrestling column to shine some light on how truly great he is, how great this franchise is and how they truly are the greatest dynasty in NFL history and perhaps even in all of modern American sports.

Okay, I had my fun. Thanks for reading, everyone. I'll see you next time with some thoughts on Elimination Chamber. Until then, have a great week. God bless. You're all hot babes, but you'd be hotter if you went goth.

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