Yeah, WWE can put it over as "historic" all they want, but like I've said many times you can't book history. It has to be real. If a match has no heat and no one cares, it's not going to matter much historically.
Welcome to Planet Kayfabe. Here I'm going to preview the 2018 Elimination Chamber PPV and there's not really much to say. We are a month removed from the HISTORIC Royal Rumble which featured the first ever women's Royal Rumble match, which ended up main eventing the show....... because they wanted to close the show with Ronda Rousey skipping around the ring and pointing at the Wrestlemania sign. WWE follows up that event by doubling down on history making with the Elimination Chamber. On this show, WWE will feature the first ever women's Elimination Chamber match.
When compared to the Rumble, historically, I doubt many will remember this, which is sad because the ladies are probably going to go all out and bust their asses in what is normally a pretty taxing match. However the Raw after the Rumble, Stephanie McMahon just came out and quickly threw it out there that they were doing this match just because there is a PPV called "Elimination Chamber" and they gotta do something. Whatever. If you think I'm already being too negative it really doesn't matter if this match is good or not. No one is talking about it. No one is excited about this event. Historically it is going to be forgotten about even though WWE likes to think they are making history here just by shoehorning a match on a nothing show.
"Woken" Matt Hardy vs. Bray Wyatt (Singles match for nothing)
Matt Hardy lost clean at the 25th Anniversary of Raw in like 3 minutes to their largest television audience in years and what will be their largest TV audience all 2018. But here... a simple singles match. Boy... take my $9.99 now! I guess I'll pick Matt to win even though no one cares. Here's a match for this "it's only one match" crowd when Matt lost on TV a month ago. See? This is what happens. This feud is death just like I feared it would be when everyone was dreaming of "Broken" vs. Wyatt.
Is this what you envisioned? A bunch of pointless laughing and normal singles matches on the bottom of the card? Ugh, f***ing hell. I think there's still hope for Woken/Broken in WWE... It's just Bray Wyatt feuds ruin everything now and coming off a terrible 2017 I didn't have much faith in Bray Wyatt making things interesting with Matt Hardy. I am so f***ing done with this character. I don't think I've ever gone from being so high to fully not caring about a single wrestler at all in my entire life like I have with Bray Wyatt. Total shame. The gimmick initially have a ton of intrigue and charm, but now he's just a guy who laughs in midcard purgatory.
Asuka vs. Nia Jax (Singles match; If Nia Jax wins, she will be added to Asuka's championship match at WrestleMania 34)
Again, let the negativity flow... It should be a good match, but (and I'm aware many of you may disagree) but I don't think Nia is ready for this spot just yet. To me she still hasn't fully ripened on the main roster. She still smiles too much for my liking and not like in a monstrous Kane way who would smile after lightning someone on fire or whatever. She smiles like someone who is just happy to be on TV and she just comes off as a pretty girl who smiles.... Like a lot of the other women, but she is supposedly "not like most girls"... why? What does that mean? Because she's bigger than the other girls or because she's green as f*** but has a famous cousin to get her foot in the door in WWE?
Either way this is not the time for Asuka to lose. Asuka should make Nia look good and maybe give her some credibility coming out, but Asuka shouldn't lose here nor do I want to see a DQ finish or any other sort of f*** finish to devalue Asuka's streak just to insert Nia in the Wrestlemania match. The last few Wrestlemanias have suffered with the company having a bunch of multi-person matches just to get more people on the card. The title match should just be one-on-one. It's ok once in a while, but Asuka won the first ever women's Royal Rumble. Honor that win. The focus should be on her. They shouldn't devalue that win especially since it's the first match of its kind. My pick is Asuka to win clean in what will probably be about a 15 minute match.
Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Bayley vs. Mandy Rose vs. Mickie James vs. Sasha Banks vs. Sonya Deville (Elimination Chamber match for the WWE Raw Women's Championship)
Ahh... the match Stephanie McMahon made that Kurt Angle was accused of being sexist for. If that isn't a microcosm of everyone on Twitter who ignorantly bitches about everything being sexist or racist or homophobic or whatever I don't know what is.
Yeah, hate to break it to you Alexa but yes they do value Brock more than you and they value Brock more than all off the full time men too. That's why they're currently giving away tickets for this show at a bargain just to fill the damn place. And yes... I know it was a scripted line, but still. What a dumb angle to go there without having the warped logic thrown in her face. It would be a cool chickenshit heel move for someone to cry sexism to try and get out of a match, but she wasn't really challenged when all Kurt had to say was Stephanie McMahon made the f***ing match.
Anyway... My pick is for Alexa to retain. She's been a decent champion. Her character has gotten over nicely during her time with the belt but obviously now is not the time to drop it. That'll happen at Wrestlemania when Asuka gets her moment and run with the title. That's my early prediction anyway. I don't think this match will close the show like the women's Royal Rumble match did and for some reason I don't think this match will run too long.
Braun Strowman vs. Elias vs. Finn Bálor vs. John Cena vs. Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins vs. The Miz (Elimination Chamber match for a WWE Universal Championship match at WrestleMania 34)
Now I'm sure most of you would agree this is Braun Strowman's time to shine. Unfortunately I think WWE threw him a bone on Raw by having him win that near 2 hour Gauntlet Match. He should win here, but he's not. Roman Reigns is. Status quo. Rinse repeat. The match no one cares about. Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar. The rematch. Yawn. f***ing. Yawn.
If it were up to me, the best option is Braun to face Brock and win. The fans would go home happy, plus he's the hottest babyface they have right now. Why not run with that? He has all this momentum at the PERFECT time of year. A win over Brock for Roman isn't going to get him any more over with the fans. He f***ing beat Undertaker last year. What the hell is another world title run going to do? He can win the belt at SummerSlam this year and still be the same old Roman Reigns. Braun is a guy who could actually benefit from going over in the main event at WrestleMania and he truly deserves it this year. You can't say "just do it next year" because you never know when too late is going to be too late. Strike while the iron is hot and no one is hotter than Braun Strowman right now in February of 2018.
So, with my idea what would everyone else do? There's plenty of options. You could revisit the Roman Reigns vs John Cena rivaly on a big stage like Wrestlemania instead of what they did last year just throwing it out there at No f***ing Mercy during WWE's weaker points of the year. What were they thinking there? That'll be a good trivia question some day. What PPV did Roman Reigns wrestle John Cena. Wrestlemania? Nope. Summerslam? No. Royal Rumble? No. Survivor Series? Money in the Bank? No... Mercy. Come on. Yes, the match so big it could only happen at the namesake of your favorite Nintendo 64 game, guys. What an idea.
You could also do Roman Reigns vs Seth Rollins which would also be a natural rivalry and if Roman was occupied with Cena then Rollins and Finn Balor could just go out there and have a great match. At least there are options. If Braun loses, I'm not sure what he does outside of there being a change to the main event where they make it a Triple Threat at Wrestlemania instead. Don't even say the Andre Battle Royal. He's too good to be in that shit. The only way I want to see him in that match is if he personally makes a statement by eliminating all 29 other guys by himself and the match would have to be on the main card.
My reluctant pick for this match is Roman Reigns.
Thanks for reading this Elimination Chamber preview edition of Planet Kayfabe. I welcome being surprised but I don't have high expectations for this show. Elimination Chamber matches should mean something, but this event has no heat. No interest. No one gives a shit. I hope my pain is entertaining for you though. I'll be back with my review as always. Until then I appreciate your thoughts so leave a comment below and tweet me @PlanetKayfabe
I'm Paul Matthews p/k/a KAYFABE CANDYASS, that's right... for NoDQ. Enjoy the show everyone.