ďMy struggle with forgiveness while being pregnant and what marriage means to me.Ē
When you walk down the aisle on your wedding day there are a lot of things that cross your mind. I canít believe this is finally happening. Iím so happy to be marrying my best friend. I wonder what are kids will look like. I love him so much. Please, donít let me fall down in the giant dress. I hope I have nothing in my teeth, or in my nose. What you donít think about is, how am I going to cope with my husbandís drug addiction. Or what will it be like to try and love someone that is behind a mask of drugs. Will we be able to conquer this addiction and find a stronger marriage on the other side?
No, no one thinks these things. I wasnít prepared. No one is. Many married couples are trying to not fight over money, housework, and keeping the spark alive. But, when addiction happens, it all changes. For me, I didnít even know it was changing. I didnít know my husband had this secret. Honestly, I wish he just liked video games too much or porn. Addiction takes over, itís not just a hazy husband, itís mood swings, no motivation, no will to help with housework, paying bills, so many ridiculous fights, lies, and lots of sleeping. I thought he hated me. The fights and the pain that it caused me, I hid from everyone. I just figured he was going through something and I wanted to be there for him. Maybe it was depression. Who was I, to judge? So, I questioned him about it but I tried to also be supportive. The first year went into two and then to almost three and I was tired. I was tired of the lying about where money was going and why he was always broke. Why he would disappear for hours at a time? Did he hate me? So, I started thinking about divorce. I talked to someone about it. I didnít want to do that. Marriage was a work in progress to me. A talent you are constantly trying to perfect. But it was bad. And I didnít want to be with someone, I thought, didnít love me.
The day that everything changed, I was about 2 weeks pregnant. We, of course, didnít know I was pregnant. We were supposed to go to Universal Studios, my favorite place ever, and Mike was not getting out of bed. I went to the gym. He was supposed to be ready to switch hotels for our mini vacation when I got back. I came back and he was still was in bed. I was frustrated and I didnít think I could take it anymore. He promised he would be ready. He promised to have a fun day with me. And still, he laid in bed. I think about all the things, I did for him and I think I am finally ready to have the horrible talk about the D word. Finally, an hour later he brings his stuff down to the lobby. We head to lunch. Iím pissed and he is grumpy. Itís too late to go to Universal Studios and then he says he canít afford a ticket to go tomorrow. WHAT? Now, going to Universal Studios and paying for a ticket may be understandable but the repeated failure to pay for things was not. Health insurance, rent, cable, gas, electric, or a grocery store run was usually paid for by me. What happened to equality? I was always the haughty woman that said she would never be with someone that treated her as, less than. And now this, something I looked forward to, I was done. Or I thought I wasÖ
We fight, I cry, he gets real quiet.
ďI donít wanna die,Ē he says through tears. ďI think I have a problem.Ē
We were in a Panera parking lot, in Orlando Florida, the happiest place on earth. Iím confused so I move the car to where there isnít any cars so we can ďtalk.Ē (More like scream and cry. And SCREAM some more.) Fans donít know I have a temper. A bad one. One that doesnít care about who I love. I can string an insult together like a Stradivarius violin, when I am mad. Iíve had therapy to help it and I try to meditate. But, no amount of meditation or therapy will control a temper after 3 years of being lied to about pain pills and money. So, after the deafening truth comes out I take my vainglorious self, out of the car and go for a short but poignant walk. I make a decision on that walk. I donít matter right now. My feelings, will be placed in a small box at the edge of my mind while I take care of my best friend and husband not because he is my best friend or husband but because he is a human being that shouldnít dieÖ.
Iíll continue this next weekÖ because the alien is hungry and this post is getting long... haha...
Iíll leave you with this quote that has helped me: ďWhen you get to the end of your rope. Tie a knot and hang on it.Ē - Franklin Roosevelt
Much Love and Peace Friends,
The Crazy Pregnant Lady