Coming up to Wrestlemania, the topics of discussion in the wrestling world are often rather predictable. There’s always the whole ‘Who should be in the hall of fame?’ stuff and people talking about their ‘dream cards’, but I’m going to put a spin on that second one and instead give you my ‘Nightmare Card’ for Wrestlemania. Just like with dream cards, I’ll be picking superstars past and present and across any company, so let the fun begin!
First is the Money in the Bank Ladder Match! I’m going to pick just six for this nightmarish scenario: Yokozuna, Bam Bam Bigelow, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Black Reign, Nathan Jones and Shark Boy. HO BOY. The first two would be lucky to be supported by the ladder, Hacksaw and Gold-I mean Black Reign would get distracted too easily, Nathan Jones is just horrible and can you imagine Shark Boy getting a World Title shot?
Next would be King Kong Bundy vs. Big Daddy V. Yokozuna is a much more obvious choice than Bundy in this past vs. present match, but there’s more to it than just picking two fat wrestlers to square off in this case. You see, I’m able to watch Yokozuna. I don’t mean he’s a good wrestler or he puts on good matches or anything, I mean that if Yokozuna was standing here in this room in his wrestling attire I would be able to look at him without feeling queasy. V just looks horrible without a shirt on and the same goes for Bundy, not to mention the fact that Bundy was also HIDEOUS. (And also Yokozuna is in the MITB match, so whatever) He was frighteningly ugly. Anyway, if I had to then make a prediction as to who would win this match I would have to say Big Daddy V. For some reason.
Afterwards, it’s a match which would be nightmarish because of how depressing it would be to watch: The Undertaker puts his Wrestlemania winning streak on the line against… Hornswoggle. Now I like Hornswoggle and everything, I didn’t before and I don’t like this whole Finlay-Vince father storyline thing, but Hornswoggle is good for a bit of comic relief. Unfortunately there is nothing funny about the idea of Taker’s streak being jeopardised by a Leprechaun. Hell, let’s make it a Casket Match to boot, and Hornswoggle gets a really tiny casket to go in. I’m shivering at the thought. I ‘predict’ a taker win. 16 and 0. Oh yeah.
So we’re four matches in and we’re yet to have a match with celebrity involvement, so why not have a match between two celebrity ‘wrestlers’ eh? Yeah, in case you haven’t guessed, I’m building this up to a match between Pacman Jones and Floyd Mayweather. I would actually pay to see how this would work since they wouldn’t let Floyd hit Pacman (because this Wrestlemania is canonical, folks) but you see you can’t really have a celebrity wrestling match without one thing: David Arquette. So it’s a Triple Threat match between Pacman, Mayweather and David Arquette… FOR THE WCW CHAMPIONSHIP! In a real fight Mayweather wins hands down, but this is Professional Wrestling, remember! Pacman wins after Mayweather beats Arquette to a pulp and then just gives up when he realises he can’t touch Pacman.
Afterwards is a Boiler Room Brawl between Mankind and Abyss. It’d be a nightmare telling them apart. Abyss wins with a Mandible Claw. Wait, hang on…
We’re about due for our Playboy orientated match, so to make it just that little bit more nightmarish, it’s Mae Young vs. The Fabulous Moolah... in a Bra and Panties match. No matter who wins this match, we all lose.
Our second from main event is between two of the all time greats in the history of the WWE: King Leonidas vs. Drillbit Taylor. Seriously, the WWE have every right to advertise movies all they want, but to actually plant film characters in the roster pages is madness! (Feel free to declare that this is Sparta and kick your computer. I actually managed to pull that off in real time once. We were trying to organise a game of rounders when I was helping with the scouts when one of the leaders declared in exasperation, “This is madness!” I would have kicked him over as well but he was really far away.) Anyway, this is a hard match to call. I know, we’ll make it a Lumberjack Match to boot. Taylor has ‘Ryan, Wade and Emmit’ in his favour and Leonidas has 300 Spartan Warriors in his favour. I know who I’d put my money on…
It took me a while to think about the main event. What match could possibly be so underwhelming to watch that it is deserving of truly nightmarish proportions? What match could be so boring, so annoying, so dull, so predictable, so mind-numbingly awful as to be worthy of main eventing my nightmare Mania? Then I realised: I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t think of a match that bad. So I decided that instead I’d do something to please myself instead. I would go out with $2 million and hold Hogan to his word. I would make him job to a midcarder at Wrestlemania, just to give him what he deserves. And it wouldn’t just be any midcarder, oh no. I’d pick somebody who’s been a staple in the midcard lately, somebody who has made the midcard his, and I would not only force Hogan to do the job, I would force him to be beaten in a squash match.
Against Colin Delaney.
~ Sheepling
Third Party Link
NoDQ.com Comment Board
(Click on Profile at the bottom to register your name!)
